Merry Christmas!

This was too funny not to share:

To All My Democratic Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ 2010.


Seriously, I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and safe, happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!

Saffron on YouTube!

The other night we gave Saffron a Cornish Hen. Yup, a whole chicken that was just her size! She loved it. Watch the excitement in her first YouTube video:



Before you ask: yes, we spoil her terribly. (Hey, she deserves it and we are just so glad she's still with us after being diagnosed with liver disease two years ago!) And, yes, we are easily amused. Who needs TV when you have cats?

P.S. If the video takes too long to load watch it on YouTube.

Reindeer Cherrries?

Sometimes being hard of hearing is almost (but not quite) amusing. The other day Mom gave me some Ranier cherries, but I thought she said "reindeer cherries." What the hell are reindeer cherries, I wondered.

They are beautiful cherries that look like this:





















Not like this:






















They were delicious and didn't taste anything like venison.

Advanced Cat Yodeling

By request from icanhascheezburger.com, "Advanced Cat Yodeling" is a shortened edit of "An Engineer's Guide to Cat Yodeling (with Cat Polka)" by Paul Klusman. Don't drink while you are watching this!

Star Trek Humor

The new Star Trek film was a hit its opening weekend. Here are some funnies from SNL and the Tonight Show:

Out of the Past

My favorite column in my local paper, The Davison Index, is "Out of the Past." Here's what happened in Davison 100 years ago this week:

April 9, 1909
• Last Friday two young men “blew” into Davison, one of them with a bundle of clothing. After they wandered about the village for some time, Deputy Sheriff Munger’s attention was called to them and he interrogated them as to their names, which were given as David Court and George Boyle, but as they were unable to give anything like a straight account of themselves or their destination they were locked up. Munger telephoned the Home of Lapeer (Oakdale), but finding no one had escaped from that institution, he called up the sheriff at the poor farm. He received information that the two men had skipped that morning from the Poor Farm, so he took them to Flint and turned them over to the sheriff there. Investigation proved that the men, who were about 30 years old, were being held at the poor farm pending the outcome of an application to commit them to the Feeble Minded Home at Lapeer.

I laughed out loud because no one would dare write anything so politically incorrect these days. (Yes, I know I have weird sense of humor. Until now my favor entry had been "so-and-so lost a fine ram due to lightning." You know you live in a small town when the death of livestock is news. LOL.)

Can you imagine being committed to the Feeble Minded Home? I can't help but wonder how that differs from the Home of Lapeer (the old state mental hospital).

Truth in Advertising: The Heart Attack Grill

I just got this from my cousin Rick and had to share:

Watch CBS Videos Online

Can you believe they don't have bacon cheeseburgers?!

Just in Time for Halloween: Zombie Tag

Just in time for Halloween! Zombie tag is a new fad on college campuses (according to and article I read last week in USA Today). It sounds like fun but I haven't seen our students playing (yet).

Read the USA Today article and "How to Play Zombie Tag" (from Wikihow).

Dead man on campus: 'Zombie tag' a growing game at colleges

by Matthew Daneman, USA TODAY

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Al Palmer has a slim build, an easy smile, and a near-insatiable hunger for human flesh.

Palmer, 27, of Litchfield, Maine, is an industrial-design student at Rochester Institute of Technology. He wears in his headband the IDs of 17 students who had been humans until he tagged them, turning them into zombies.

"I get the biggest kick out of walking up behind someone who's looking all around except behind them," he says as his group prepares to head out into the night. "It gets your heart pumping, that exhilaration."

Welcome to the world of Humans vs. Zombies (HvZ), a tag-like game that is the latest trend in campus entertainment. An HvZ game typically involves hundreds of students and runs 24 hours a day for days on end; dwindling numbers of humans try to fend off and outlast growing legions of zombies.

The rules are fundamentally simple: Zombie tags human, human becomes a zombie. Unlike movie zombies, with shambling walks and undead makeup, zombies in the game just wear headbands to distinguish them from armband-wearing humans. And they are free to sprint.

Humans ward off zombies with Nerf guns or by hitting them with a balled-up sock — a defensive move that stuns the zombie, usually for 15 minutes. The goal is to still be a live human at the end.

A group of students at Goucher College in Towson, Md., is credited with starting the game, which has spread across the USA. Addicted to the first-person shooter video game Splinter Cell, the students wanted to create a live version of it on campus; it turned into tag and then became zombie-fied, says Goucher graduate Brad Sappington, one of the creators.

"It just unfolded like that: 'We like zombies. Let's find a way to make real zombies at college.' It was alcohol-induced, I'm sure."

The Internet has played a big role in the spread of the game. Goucher students created a website (hvzsource.com) that is a repository of information about and rules for the game. And YouTube videos of the game being played at Goucher have found fans at other schools.

Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., hosted its first student-organized HvZ game last fall after one student stumbled across online video footage of the game and brought the idea there, says Jason White, 23, a senior from Indianapolis who is organizing a tournament there this week.

RIT hosted its first HvZ game last fall after Zack Bessler, 21, a computer science major from Lyman, Maine, said he came across information about the game.

"It just sounded like ridiculous amounts of fun," Bessler says. "Does it get any better than zombie-themed tag?"

Daneman writes for the Rochester (N.Y.) Democrat & Chronicle.


How to Play Zombie Tag (from Wikihow)

Okay, you know regular tag. This is somewhat like it but different.

1. Collect at least 3 to as many as you want people.
2. Choose a spot to play at. Make sure it is a wide space, for you'll probably need to run a lot. If there's a playground structure, you can use some of that too.
3. Choose the one who is 'it'. They are the zombie.
4. You all(not the zombie) get a start of 5-10 seconds. That way if you start out in a tight spot you will be able to get a head start without being tagged.
5. If you get tagged, you are a zombie too. The previous one is still it. That means you are both it. The same applies for others.
6. When only one person is left in not being a zombie, they win.
7. The last person alive is the first zombie the next round, so watch out!

Tips

• You don't have to walk like a zombie.
• The more people the more fun.
• Make sure you know who is a zombie at all times. Try staying with a friend who you know is not a zombie so that you don't get caught.
• You could play a variation with a base if you like.
• Other variations of zombie tag include randomly picking the zombie by way of handing out one marked piece of paper among many. Tagging rules that require both hands and touching the forehead are also fun.

Beware of the Bear!

A friend sent me this and I laughed out loud. Happy Friday!



Teddy bear scares the crap out of people at the mall.

A Child's Perspective

My friend Joshua, 6, was reading a bedtime story with his dad the other night. Suddenly, out of the blue, he asked "Daddy, why do those people keep trying to kill Jesus every Easter?"

Daddy was laughing so hard he had to leave the room to tell Mommy what was so funny.

For those who don't get the humor: Joshua thinks Easter is a recurring event in the present, not a past event.

I wonder what he thinks about Christmas?!

SNL: Gov. Palin and Sen. Clinton

In case you missed Saturday Night Live last week, here's the hilarious opening sequence: Gov. Palin and Sen. Clinton Address the Nation.



I never noticed how much Tina Fey looks like Sarah Palin!

For Those Born Before 1980

I am over my sinus infection and busy preparing for Fall semester (which starts next week!), so I don't have much time for blogging this week. I do want to share this essay/joke, though. I've combined a couple that I've received recently and was struck by how accurate much of it is!

THOSE BORN 1920-1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Read the whole thing.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs, and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but but I can't remember getting E-coli.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and drank Kool-aid made with sugar but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day and we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes after running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good .

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.


How did we survive?

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Cul de Sac

If you aren't reading Cul de Sac by Richard Thompson you are missing one of the best and funniest current comics. Here's an example from yesterday (transcript follows):













Ernesto: Ah, Peter! Checking out some summer reading?
Peter: Hi, um, Ernesto. Yeah, I've got this book -

Ernesto: Let's see. "Dirk Dragonslapper Vol. 1: The Trolls Revolt."
Peter: It's about a boy who rides around on a dragon -

Ernesto: Yes. I reviewed it on my blog.
Peter: You have a blog?

Ernesto: Yes. I found the book derivative and thin, like a watered-down version of Tolkien. You do like Tolkien?
Peter: I've never been tolking.

Ernesto: LOL! Always the quotable Peter! May I use that?
Peter: Yeah. Okay.

Ernesto: Good-bye! Enjoy your little book!

Mom: Let's check out, Petey. Where's your book?
Peter: I put it back. It's derivative, watered-down tolking.

Mom: Okay, Petey.
Alice: I'm getting the Big Pop-Up Book of Giant Squids! See?
Peter: Gaaah!

**********

It's not always about blogging and/or Tolkien, but it is always funny. I read Cul de Sac every day on GoComics. You can read it free at The Seattle Times.

An Exercise in Futility (or Why I Hate the Cable Company)

Today I made an incredibly frustrating phone call that reminds me why we all hate our cable company. (It doesn’t matter which one you have since they are all so similar.) I’m sure in the future this will be funny. Right now I want to reach out and slap my cable/Internet/phone provider!

This one is pretty long! Click here to read the whole thing.



Me: Hi, I don’t have my statement handy but I’d like to get my account balance, make sure both my name and my husband’s name are on our account, and learn how to check my account online.

Cable Rep. #1 (with some kind of foreign accent): What’s your home phone number, please? (I give it.) I’m sorry, we don’t have that number in our system.

Me: Oh, that’s the phone I get from you as part of my cable/Internet/phone package. I must have set up the account using my cell phone. (I give her that number.)

CR1: I see you have a business account.

Me: What? No, it’s a residential account. All I want to do is get my account balance, make sure both our names are on the account, and learn how to check our account online -- and switch my phone number on your records to my home phone.

CR1: I’m sorry, ma’am, I can only change residential accounts. I’ll have to transfer you to Business Accounts.

Me: (Sigh with exasperation and wait while my call is transferred.)

Cable Rep #1 (with an American accent – thank God!): How may help you ma’am?

Me: The first rep I talked to said I have a business account but I don’t. My account is residential. I don’t have my statement handy but all I want to do is get my account balance, make sure both my name and my husband’s name are on the account, learn how to check our account online, and switch my phone number on your records to my home phone.

CR2: You don’t have a business account. You have a residential account. I have no idea what the other person thought it was a business account.

Me: Can you help me?

CR2: I can confirm that both your name and your husband’s name are on the account, and I can change the phone number.

Me: Oh, thank you! (I give him our home phone number.)

CR2: For everything else, I’ll have to transfer you back to Residential Accounts.

Me: (Sigh with exasperation and wait while my call is transferred.)

Cable Rep #3 (with some kind of foreign accent): May I help you?

Me: Hi, I don’t have my statement handy but I’d like to get my account balance and learn how to do that online.

CR3: What is your phone number?

Me (Wondering about the accent): Did I just talk to you a few minutes ago?

CR3: No.

Me: Oh, sorry. (I give her the phone number.)

CR3: What is your account number?

Me: I don’t have statement handy, so I don’t know my account number. I just want to get the balance.

CR3: You can do that online.

Me: That would be great.

CR3: Since you don’t have your account number you’ll have to check your balance by phone.

Me: OK.

CR3: I need you to confirm the last four digits of your Social Security Number.

Me (I do, she gives me the balance, and I pay via credit card): I have $83 in credit in my old account. Can I transfer that to my new account?

CR3: No ma’am but I can send you a refund check.

Me: (I had to ask for this?!) OK. Thanks.

CR3: Remember, in the future you can check your account balance and pay online.

Me: I’m at your web site now and I don’t see where to do that.

CR3: Click “Register.”

Me: It doesn’t say “Register”; it says “Log in.”

CR3: Enter your account number.

Me (enunciation slowly and carefully): I. Don’t. Know. My. Account. Number. If. I. Did. I. Would. Have. Given. It. To. You. The. First. Time. You. Asked.

CR3: You can’t log in without your account number.

Me: Do you mean my “username” is my account number? Then what is my “password”?

CR3: Those numbers are on the top of your statement.

Me (Sighing): I guess I’ll do that after I get my next statement! Thanks.

I hung up and flung my phone across the couch.

To top things off, my own cable company called twice this week trying to try to sell me cable/Internet/phone service. Talk about the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing! 29 more days until the Do Not Call Registration kicks in…

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

I got this link from a colleague and just had to share. (Thanks, Jan B.!) It's hilariously funny: deadpan engineers discuss cat care. Don't drink while you are watching, especially the cat yodeling sequence, unless you want to spit all over your computer screen. Be sure to get a good look at the smallest cat (Ginger); she looks a lot like my Saffron!




If the connection is slow, here's the direct link to YouTube.com: An Engineer's Guide to Cats. Thank you to Paul Klusman and T. J. Wingard (Engineers) and Oscar, Zoey, and Ginger (stunt cats) for this wonderful video!

Blog Funny

I almost laughed out loud at today's Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis. Follow the link to read it online every day (and the past 30 days in the archive).

William Tell Momisms by Anita Renfroe

I may be the last person on the planet to see this clip of Anita Renfroe on You Tube but it's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. She sums up everything a mom says in one day in a three-minute song set to the tune of the William Tell Overture! These hysterically funny, very clever lyrics rival even Weird Al. I laughed until I cried when I heard my parents' words ("You're grounded until your 36") as well as more up-to-date versions ("Your iPod's my iPod if you don't listen up") in these lyrics. Bravo, Anita!


Squidoo has a nice article about Anita as well as the lyrics but why not visit Anita's web site and buy a CD or book?

Actually, the lyrics are so funny I'm going to post them here so you can follow along with the video clip.

Lyrics to William Tell Momisms

Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepy head
Here's your clothes
And your shoes
Hear the words I said
Get up now
Get up and make your bed

Are you hot?
Are you cold?
Are you wearing that?
Where's your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and your gloves and your scarf and hat
Don't forget you got to feed the cat

Eat your breakfast
The experts tell us it's the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall
Please remember the orthodontist will be seeing you at three today?
Don't forget your piano lesson is this afternoon
So you must play
Don't shovel
Chew slowly
But hurry
The bus is here
Be careful
Come back here
Did you wash behind your ears?

Play outside
Don't play rough
Would you just play fair?
Be polite
Make a friend
Don't forget to share
Work it out
Wait your turn
Never take a dare
Get along
Don't make me come down there

Clean your room
Fold your clothes
Put your stuff away
Make your bed
Do it now
Do we have all day?
Were you born in a barn?
Would you like some hay?
Can you even hear a word I say?

Answer the phone
Get Off the phone
Don't sit so close
Turn it down
No texting at the table
No more computer time tonight
Your iPod's my iPod if you don't listen up

Where you going and with whom and what time do you think you're coming home?
Saying thank you, please, excuse me
Makes you welcome everywhere you roam
You'll appreciate my wisdom
Someday when you're older and you're grown
Can't wait 'til you have a couple little children of your own
You'll thank me for the counsel I gave you so willingly
But right now
I thank you NOT to roll your eyes at me

Close your mouth when you chew
Would appreciate
Take a bite
Maybe two
Of the stuff you hate
Use your fork
Do not you burp
Or I'll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate

Get an A, Get the door
Don't get smart with me
Get a Grip
Get in here I'll count to 3
Get a job
Get a life
Get a PhD
Get a dose of reality

I don't care who started it
You're grounded until your 36
Get your story straight
And tell the truth for once for heaven's sake
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff
Would you jump too?

If I've said it once, I've said at least a thousand times before that
You're too old to act this way
It must be your father's DNA
Look at me when I am talking
Stand up straighter when you walk
A place for everything
And everything must be in place
Stop crying or I'll give you something real to cry about

Oh!
Brush your teeth
Wash your face
Get your PJs on
Get in bed
Get a hug
Say a prayer with Mom
Don't forget
I love you
**KISS**
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom's work never ends
You don't need the reason why
Because
Because
Because
Because
I said so
I said so
I said so
I said so
I'm the Mom
The mom
The mom
The mom
The mom
Ta-da

Math 911

I got this from a friend and couldn't resist sharing. I think the title should be "When NOT to Call 911!":

Funny Ads

I got these old ads from a former student and they are so funny I had to post them here! (Click on the pictures for a larger view.)

My mom-in-law remembers the "More Doctors Smoke Camels" ad but we aren't sure the others are real. They are hilarious, not to mention politically incorrect, whether they are true or not!

How times (and ads) have changed, eh?

Introducing the Book

This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen:



As one of my colleagues put it: now we know how we appear to the computer support folks.